Amma,
I was going to start off with how are you, but I've spoken to you three times on the phone already today, so I know you have nothing to complain of other than your knees.
I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now, but of course you've known. Ever since I decided to come out to you about the abuse, I think, when I told you that I'm not going to hold back now in matters of relationships (and Daddy said - "You mean you want to succumb to attraction?") My therapist told me to write it. But it would've been too uncomfortable if I had when I was at home, if we were sitting at the table eating your chilli-cheese sandwiches and you said - "So I attended this talk by Narasimha Murthy..." all the while meaning - "Have you slept with C yet?"
How are you, anyhow?
Yes, C and I started going out in November, after I suggested it one night in his Wagon R. He had offered to take me to Marine Drive pending my confession of not having seen any of Mumbai because I had no one to see it with. When I asked him if he had ever been in a relationship, he told me he didn't want to impose his ugly face on anyone (you read my account of his Ugly Theory, didn't you?). What if a girl liked him? She'd have to tell him then, he said. And I caught the chance.
Of course, he thought I was joking. Laughed. When I repeated it, he said he'd die if it were true and laughed again, peppered with panic. I confirmed it, and he yelped - "what? You mean you like - like you love-like me?"
He could've backed off then, or even a month later, when I told him my story. That it was not yet in the past unsettled him and he vowed take me out of it. He could've ended it on January 6th, when he brought me home from Mumbai after I ran away. He could've exploited the situation, as your friend said he was, and forced me into physicality before I was ready.
So when I ask you to trust him, I'm not doing it without good reason. It's good to be cautious, and you should know that I wouldn't risk giving myself to anyone after nine years of possession. I'd be disappointed if you didn't worry for me. I'm not saying let go, just loosen your grip. I am - after all - my own, in control of myself,
Antara.
